Lies, lies, lies...

I have been fighting them for a week now. Those pesky little buggars. They have been poking me all week telling me the things I least need to hear right now. It all started last week when I went down to Hank after he had been crying to find his head covered by his blankie...you know struggling to breathe. I could cry just thinking about it. I did cry when I pulled him out and looked at his little face red except for around his nose and mouth where it was white...and I wanted to die. I started to doubt my worth right then and there and it only got worse as the week progressed.

The thing about the lies is that they seem so much more true than false. Casey tried to convince me otherwise and it helped but it didn't last. I just couldn't shake all the doubt I had in my heart about who I am. I really want to be enough and I struggle so much. Being a mom with small children is just so very humbling. Damn I hate that. But on Sunday at church our pastor talked about Jesus and how after he was crucified he 'sat down' at the right hand of God. He 'sat down' because the job was finished and there wasn't anything left to do. Then a woman got baptized because she finally realized after feeling like she wasn't worthy that it wasn't about being worthy. It was just for me and I cried several times.

I needed to be reminded of my inabilities; that is a hard one for me because all my life it has been about me being able on my own. Sounds so opposite to say but it is really freeing...freeing indeed.

Happiness is...

Trying to capture the sunlight coming through that hair...not done justice but you get the idea...don't let that sweet face fool you...she is a piece of work...but she does bring me great happiness.


The happiest place in my yard...I wish the rest looked this good.

Gotta love a baby smile!

What I am trying to do...

Well...since we are in the clear for exercise I am trying to loose some weight and inches. Especially before my cousin gets married in a month. Just a little would be great. I am actually just looking to loose some stomach; if you know what I mean. So, today I went swimming! Which was really fun and I am afraid that I am in worse shape than I thought...because it was really hard! My arms already burn and I hope to still be able to pick up baby tomorrow...yikes!

Get organized! The playroom looked like a 9 and 5 year cleaned it up...oh wait. So, I was in there doing the bi-monthly trash pick up/clear out of crap I don't want them to keep. I am feeling better about that room. Now I just have to get school stuff organized because September is just around the corner...GASP.

My really excellent bible study with good friends.

Cook really good meals for my family. I have been out of the game of cooking well for about 4 months. Those last several months of pregnancy and the two since birth are rough for making good meals and planning ahead. Thank God for BBQ season and Costco hamburgers. Any good suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Other than that we are moving right along and Casey is selling artwork-Praise the Lord-literally. It brings to mind the old Finding Nemo quote, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."